Swabbing the Deck

One might not immediately recognize the correlation between floor maintenance and the practice of religion. Well, maybe one would, depending on where that one was raised. Some people might think floor maintenance and the pursuit of holiness were quite obviously naturally and closely related, but it's not always been obvious to me.

I once heard tell of a great woman-of-God who had two long strips of carpet running up the middle of her garage for the car tires to rest on, that were vacuumed as part of her morning liturgy. I never met her personally thankyoujesus but the man who relayed this story to me said that she lived by the old adage, cleanliness is next to godliness.

I asked him, Why spend your energy trying to be next to godly, when you could just spend it trying to be godly?

...crickets...

Dear Reader, as you have probably already guessed (or heard), I am a very terrible housekeeper. I compensate for this shortcoming by being really loving and warm and disarmingly charming, playing with words and thinking about stuff, and just generally tidying and scrubbing and organizing the corners of my mind. I also play a lot of Pet Rescue, which I think is kind of like helping the poor and needy – or at least it sure feels a lot that way. This is called being spiritually minded.

Not surprisingly, I'm also a bit of a wash in the religion department. I think maybe I have a form of Oppositional Defiance Disorder – like, I have ODD but I'm in defiance of it. If you tell me that I can't, then I will – but you, knowing that I have ODD, would expect me to be defiant and so now I won't be. However. I, knowing that you recognize that I have ODD, must certainly realize that you would expect me to be defiant and not defy you, and so clearly I can't not be defiant and therefore absolutely must do the thing you said I could not do. Also, that works in vice-versa.

I know, right?

I'm trying hard to get religion, but honestly, it's a lot of work – and there isn't much time left for wondering, which is one of my favourite things in the whole world. Just wandering and wondering, and wondering as I'm wandering...

So far, the thing that religion and floor care appear to have in common is that they are both very much about preventative maintenance. Footprints in the sand? So lovely. I know that Jesus carried you some but now, tell the truth – you know you walked a little bit of that by yourself, didn't you? Yes, you know you did. Please wipe the sand off on that mat over there by the door. No, the other mat. The outside mat. No, that's the “Welcome” mat – the other outside mat. Look, this isn't helpful. You realize, of course, that whole beach thing was just supposed to be a metaphor.

It's hard for me. Since I have started cleaning my floors religiously – besides realizing that I need some waaay bigger mats – I've really started to notice how other people around here play pretty fast and loose with the snow and the sandy footprints and the trails of icing sugar. So, rage is another thing. Like, if you've got any latent rage, religiously obsessing about your floors will really boil that stuff up to the surface. I think this is why silence is important if you are seeking the spiritual, and music is so, so important if you want to perform any exercises religiously.

I can be me and you can be you. Doo, doo, doowa choo, doowa choo doo. Doo, doo, doo, doo, doowa choo doo, doowa choo doo, doowa choo doo.

I printed off a new devotional booklet today entitled, The 2017 Declutter Calender. Yesterday's religious exercise involved self-flagellation in the form of decluttering under my bed – which just so happens to be one of the places I keep mementos from dead people I have loved. So, I was taking a little break from my meditations to do some important internetting about swabbing the deck, and this is what I discovered via Frosty_Seafire at reddit AskHistorians:

“In terms of the cultural impact of mopping on ships, I do not feel qualified to comment, however there were several practical reasons for regularly swabbing decks. During the Age of Sail and usage of Ships of the Line, loose powder on gun-decks was a significant fire hazard and danger. Therefore swabbing decks to keep them moist dampened any powder that fell to the floor and reduced the risk of fire. Loose powder would also need to be cleaned up after the guns were used. Regular cleaning of wooden decks slowed down decomposition and was also an import part of discipline, giving a sailor a task to achieve instead of succumbing to boredom or idleness.”

I think this is probably the truest value to be found in most religious exercises – sit, stand, sing, sit, sand, swab, rinse, repeat, rest – the slowing down of decomposition, the discipline that aims to avert our souls from boredom or idleness, the dampening of the residue left behind after we set all our guns blazing at once.

I don't know how you feel about it, but all things considered I think I'm off to a pretty good start, religiously speaking. I mean - just look at that floor. Is that shiny, or what?